Today has been etched deeply into my memory. I had the privilege, but also the confronting sadness, of counselling three separate families, broken and confused by suicide. As a loss, grief and trauma counselor I daily see people in emotional pain as they try to grapple with the loss of loved ones, but grappling with suicide is so much more difficult! There is a certain desperation as family and friends try to make sense of the person’s death. The overwhelming feeling of guilt playing tune to tortured thoughts that they should have ‘read the signs’, ‘taken more notice’, ‘watched out more’, ‘asked more questions’, ‘spent more time’ with the person who has taken their life. Loved ones are left feeling empty and hollow, with few answers to their many questions. Another layer of grief is added if there was a prior argument, angry words or throw-away remarks made before the suicide. Guilt and the feeling of remorse is intensified and often proliferates into a sense of shame.
Sadly, children are never immune. One of my clients, a 7-year-old girl (I will call her Isabelle), lost her father to suicide four months ago, just as school was ending and families were getting ready for Christmas. Unimaginable grief and so many unanswered questions. She lies awake at night believing that if she had stayed awake the night daddy was feeling really sad, he wouldn’t have died. Isabelle is frightened as she observes her mother grieve, believing that when she sees mummy looking sad, like daddy was, mummy will die at night also. Isabelle thinks about times she disobeyed her dad, the tantrums when she didn’t get her own way, wondering if these behaviours ‘caused’ him to be sad and die. Hypervigilant behaviours have become common and she has developed an anxious, impending sense of doom that something bad will happen and others in her family will also die. Isabelle’s anxious thoughts have led to night terrors and OCD behaviours of locking doors, checking windows and needing certain lights on in the house in an attempt to feel safe. She can no longer sleep in her own room but feels the need to protect mummy in her bed.
Helping a child in times of loss begins with acknowledging the death, as well as recognising and allowing emotional vulnerability. When the limbic system is aroused in situations of sadness and grief, a child will respond behaviourally, as their emotional pain along with the physiological response of a racing heart and a churning tummy feels so bad, they just want it to stop! Young children do not have the words to describe how they are feeling so they may withdraw and appear to be coping, but many children act out or play up. Both withdrawing and avoiding, or acting out and becoming more aggressive, are behavioural attempts to have their needs met.
How to help:
A child’s response to loss is also influenced by adults around them. Adults can help regulate a child’s emotional brain and activate the Pre-Frontal Cortex. Acknowledging, identifying and addressing a child’s emotional pain brings value to the child’s feelings of sadness and normalizes the fear and anxiety surrounding the grief
Adults can become anxious wondering what to say to a child, particularly in the situation of suicide. Questions of what should a child be told, and how much should a child be told, are common. We don’t want to add to a child’s emotional pain, so the fear of upsetting a child more, combined with not knowing how to approach the sensitive topic of death and suicide, adults decide to say little or nothing at all. But the silence is deafening and confusing. Children are left wondering why everyone seems to be talking in secrets, or not talking at all. This adds to a child’s fears and anxiety surrounding death, heightening the belief that if people can’t talk about it, maybe they (the child) are to blame. So, what can we do to help a child heal from suicide loss? This is a question I will explore in future blog posts. Please add your comments and experiences in discussion board below. It is through our engaged and creative dialogue that we will find how to help these wonderful, but wounded children.
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Loss through suicide for a child is greatly heightened when they sense information is being hidden from them. Children are highly attuned & perceptive at picking up clues. I can almost guarantee you, a child could profile a paedophile or those who have caused harm, If lined up in a room. They have not been clouded in judgement or influenced by pressure & the world of adulthood. Theirs is a level of innocence & astute awareness even in pain, it can be accepted easily when they are given the information in a loving, careful & direct manner. Don’t exclude a child from conversations as it is important for their sense of belonging to be a part of the process. Allow them space & time – don’t tell them how they should be feeling or what you believe they are feeling – let them identify their own emotions as a form of empowerment that will lead them back to healthy control. A child’s grief pattern can sometimes be delayed making the process longer & seemingly more challenging for the parent(s) who think they have accepted the loss. A child’s mind retains the protection of shock/avoidance to cope – like a toy gone missing, that object of thought needs to be hidden away. A parent can unintentionally impart their fears which for a child can bring about feelings of shame; it is important to work hard to keep the engagement of the child & minimize the impact of an abandonment from such loss. Do not too quickly try to replace a loss as this can cause resentment, confusion – observe their coping mechanisms & honour their bravery with mountains of love. Let them know that together you can face anything, as with everything you have & remind them that for the one they lost & for their own self, they were made from your love & it is always here they return to.
Anita, Thank you for your response. I look forward to further comments from you as we continue to explore this topic of suicide. Hidden information certainly heightens the stress response in a child!
Excellent subject to tackle not enough is said about this topic especially as siblings and young people left behind have their lives ahead of them so to understand, accept and grow in to a balanced person is paramount for their moving forward, achieving and being confident to become a person that can have consistency and value in themselves as an individual, not labelled as the brother or sister of a family member who took their own life in a moment in time or even feeling they need to replace or fill the gap for other family members.
Your comments are so relevant Dawn J. Thanks for posting.